Tag Archives: Dating

Cuffing Season Prayer: Back In The Habit

Our Father in Heaven,

Another Cuffing Season has come upon us and I thank You for continuing to bless me. Lord, if You’ll recall for a second, the last time I was here, I had a request that I brought before Your throne. I wasn’t quite sure at the time what I was asking for, but I’d like to think that I’ve grown a little and I’d like to add to my previous request (if I may).

Lord, I didn’t exactly get the answer that I wanted to my Cuffing Season Prayer last time. But I know that You told me to pray WITHOUT CEASING, so here I am.

I don’t mean to sound impatient Lord and please excuse the pun, but too often I feel like bae is somewhere out there Living Single and I’m here in A Different World. I dream about what she’ll be like and how I want her to be. Lord, let her name be Shauntay, so she can be like “Shauntay’s got a man at home!” Or maybe Alexis, so that when I drive her crazy and people ask me what I drive, I can say I drive a Lexus. Or maybe just MAYBE even Badu, so that she can have me focused on “That thing! That thing! That thiiiiing!” But please oh please just don’t let her name be Co-Co. It’s already enough people professing their love for Co-Co. Whatever her name is Lord, I humbly pray that You bless her with an apple bottom, so that she can be the apple of my eye.

But oh Lord, I know that if I get a girlfriend, that means that if I go get me a Frappucino from Starbucks, then I better bring her a Mocha Vanilla Venti Latte Expresso. But if I have a sidechick, I don’t have to bring her anything. She’ll just be happy to see me and be in my presence. IN FACT, she’ll probably ask ME if I want something to eat!

But now I’m starting to wonder if all this time I’ve been looking for arm candy when I really need some soul food? Cause OH she gon need some greens and cornbread, so that pretty brown round can be driving me wild.

Oh goodness! I’m going back to my old habits again. Let me get back on track. Lord, as You know, I’m a big dude. So I PRAY that she not come with a lot of baggage, because I already carry enough weight!

Oh Father, I feel like I’m having a relapse. It’s not that I’m afraid of committing. It’s just that girlfriends always get mad about stuff they shouldn’t be mad about, but sidechicks are usually so understanding! Girlfriends always go thru your stuff as soon as you turn your back, but you don’t have to always worry so much about sidechicks going thru your stuff! They understand that’s YOUR STUFF!

But Lord, I said earlier that I had grown and that I…I knew what I wanted. It would be nice to have a “Beyoncé” type. A diva to upgrade me and give me the green light to be crazy in love too. In fact, if you delivered that young lady to me, I’d make sure that she’d get to a point where she is so crazy in love that she ends up drunk in love, and I’ll have her waking up flawless and feeling herself. But the thing is…I don’t NEED Beyoncé! Just send someone that I can get beyond say with. Send me somebody that can match my wits! If she ask me what today is and I say something like “The day you gon learn!” She’s got to come back with something like “What you plan on teaching me?” And I can’t get past this whole baggage thing Lord, because TOO MANY of these females seem to think that just because they come with a lot of baggage means that they can carry their own weight!

Lord, when it gets right down to it, I think that what I’m asking for is…a girlfriend with a sidechick mentality. Thank You in advance! In Jesus name I pray, amen.

Fyi, I take absolutely POSITIVELY no credit whatsoever for the videos, links, or original ideology expressed within the links used (unless otherwise noted).

Cuffing Season Prayer

Lord forgive me, but sometimes I get the urge to look through your creations and find a Ms. RightForNow. Not a Mrs. Raglon; but just a Ms. RightForNow. I’ve been single for awhile now, and I just think that it might be good for me for the time being. Lord, I really just want somebody to have and to hold. Not through sickness and in health, not for better or for worst, and DEFINITELY not til death do us part. Just to have and to hold, because as you know my last relationship wasn’t til death do us part. It was more like til depth do us part, because the chick just wasn’t that deep.

Lord, I don’t want to give her the wrong impression, but we’re not talking, we’re just texting. And I hope this don’t sound like I’m flexing, but we’re not talking, we’re just texting.

It’d be nice to have somebody who is girlfriend material, but then again, I want someone who says “Thank you” when I open the door for them. Have yal ever noticed how happy a sidechick gets when the guy she is with NOT only takes her out in public, but even opens the door for her??? The look on her face is PRICELESS! She’ll go ALL OUT to make a big deal out of it and be all loud like “Ohhh you SHOULDN’T have!” The dude be beating his chest and acting like he did something as major as she made it out to be. The girls in the background be like “Uh, calm down boo boo! He just opened the door for you. They don’t have no award for that.”

This situation kind of brings me to another point. Why do guys take their sidechicks out? Well, it’s because the typical sidechick can’t cook. I know it’s some females out there that really think that tuna is the name of a type of fish. They might be efficient in fixing a sandwich or burning hot water, but other than that they really can’t cook; which is why I might need a girlfriend, cause as yal can see, I likes to eat. But then again, Lord I want somebody that I can grow with, not somebody that’ll grow complacent with me. Girlfriends do tend to get comfortable in the title and the whole being “the girlfriend” experience.

So maybe I need a sidechick. Because when you actually have a conversation with your sidechick, she’s ALWAYS supportive! Like NOTHING is a bad idea to your sidechick! She is your “Yes” person. If you want to hear somebody say “Yes”, go to your sidechick! Primarily, because she knows if yal have a fight, she’s gona get kicked off the team faster than Chris Brown in Stomp The Yard. The beauty of sidechicks is that they don’t have an opinion unless you give them one. And I don’t know about yal, but I’m not in the business of giving thoughts to thots. That’s my thought on thots. But then again, maybe that’s why I need a girlfriend. So I can have somebody to differentiate between my stupid thoughts and my well-thought out ideological theories. Then again…you don’t have to hear that phrase “We need to talk” too often from a sidechick! A sidechick don’t get caught up and feel like they have the right to tell you about yourself!

You know what God, I don’t know. Right now, do I need the upgrade like Beyoncè? Do I need the Barbie type like Nicki Minaj? Do I need the fine white girl that’s a showstopper type like Aubrey from Danity Kane? Do I need a motivation like Kelly Rowland? Do I need the cheerleader of my dreams that only seems to date the head of football teams like Keri Hilson? I just pray that you don’t send me a bad girl like Rihanna, because that is ONE DUMB BRAWD. SOMEBODY needs to let that chick know that diamonds don’t shine; they reflect! Also, I pray that she be sober. Because telling a drunk female to calm down is like trying to baptize a chicken.

I pray that she comes sooner than later. Because on the right day and if it’s the right girl, you might catch me walking around campus like “If this girl were mine….” But Lord, You know me better than I know myself. I just know that You said “Ask and it shall be given to you. Seek and ye shall find.” So I’m asking for You to send me somebody that can handle my sarcastic ways. Because I can be QUITE sarcastic. Can I get an amen? I’m asking You to send me somebody who will laugh at my jokes. Like, if I walk on stage at Poetic Justice and say “If Michael Jackson was on a rollercoaster, would you call it a thriller?” she has to be right there with me. I’m asking You for a girl like Kolbi Dixon. Somebody to push me. After I told Kolbi that I got a 43/50 on a test, she told me that I could’ve gotten a 51/50 if I would’ve applied myself. Now, I don’t know if she knew, but it really was possible for me to get a 51/50 on a 50/50 exam. But she’s a female. Females know everything, right? I’m asking you to send me a girl that’ll have me getting on the cypher at Poetic Justice spitting something like “Big Dude Making Big Moves hopping on the mic! Like T.I said, you can have what you like! Oops did I say that? I really meant phyche! Girl I’m a college student, you can ride on my bike!”

I’m asking all of this, because Lord, You know that I easily get attached and put both energy and effort into the things that I’m a part of. I’m passionate. If things go bad I might be walking around my house like “A chair is still a chair….” or even “When a good thing goes bad, it’s not the end of the world. It’s just the end of a world, that you had with one girl. And she’s the reason it happened, cause she’s overreacting. And it’s all because she don’t want things to change.” I’d rather her hit me up to say “Hey I’m alone, can you come walk me home?”, than hit me up to say “Hey I’m alone, bae pick up the phone.” Overall, I just don’t won’t a b.a.e or a d.a.b. I want somebody I can call my baby. Even further, I don’t even just want to be able to say “There goes my baby“. I want to be able to say “There goes my lady”.

But You know what Lord? I realize that Adam went to sleep, woke up, and he had a bae. So maybe I need to take a nap.

Conversations With Myself (Part 2)

“No sir you haven’t.”

That was her response and she added a smiling-laugh face. I honestly don’t know what to think about it. On the surface, I thought to myself “CHRIS! You haven’t messed up yet!!!!!” However, as I thought more into it, she could’ve been sarcastic, she could’ve been amused, and she didn’t offer an explanation. So it could very well mean that she’s done with me. Was it her way of saying I’m being “dra-ma-tic”? Did it really just mean “No. We’re good.”? Did she think it was cute that I showed concern?

I am scared. I’m scared out of my mind. It’d be different if I didn’t know her tendencies, but I KNOW that if she cares, she usually goes into detail. She didn’t even ask why I felt this way. She didn’t let me know if she felt the distance too. Keep in mind that…this is the same girl that asked if she got two Red Box movies, would I consider them to be Red Box or Red Boxes? She believes in detail! This is the same girl that MADE SURE to LET YOU KNOW that she waited a month, before she gave you her new number. If she wanted you in her thoughts, she’d let you know.

It’s funny. I’m just thinking that…Chris, you were ready to react no matter what she said. Chris, go on about your day. For once, let her text YOU. Don’t respond. DON’T RESPOND!!!!! If she’s thinking about you, she’ll text you and ask how you’re feeling. If she doesn’t, then move on! Move on and believe that God has someONE better for you or someTHING better for you to do. After all these years, Lavincia is STILL right. You get caught up on things that you should be passed. It’s a new week! Let it go. One way or another, trust Delvanique to make the next move.

Check out part one of this conversation!

Conversations With Myself (Part 1)

Tic tic. Tic toc. Another minute runs off the clock. Tic toc. Tic tic. Another minute that your phone is waiting to be unlocked. Another minute that text is waiting to be clicked.

Chris, why oh WHY did you send that risky text? I’m SO glad you stopped holding your breath, because you were waiting for HOURS to get a response. As a matter of fact, YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOUR HOURS FOR A RESPONSE!!!!!! Don’t open it! It’s a trap!!!!!!

I received the response last night and I still haven’t opened it. I’ve been reveling in thinking about her and what it says. Is this the time where she confesses her undeniable feelings for me? Am I gona get all of her love? Is she gona be really pissed that I didn’t respond? Or is the fact that I didn’t respond not gona bother her (which leaves even more concern for me)?

What if it’s a one-word response? She’s NOTORIOUS for not answering your calls and text! Why would she choose to confess her feelings now? Are you stupid???? What if she says yal need to just call it quits? Are you ready to handle that? What if she spits in your face by blowing it over and claiming that you’re being “dra-ma-tic”? What if she’s confused, because she doesn’t feel the rift in our relationship? Why oh why oh WHY did you send that text Chris?

I sent it, because well…it was the only way I thought that I’d be in her thoughts. You see, the difference between me and her is that…it doesn’t take a tornado flying around my room in order for me to be thinking about her. She isn’t my reason for breathing, but I DO only think of her on two occasions. I think about her way more than I should and it scares me. She’s afraid of spiders, so whenever I have a run-in with one, I think of her. We used to have these insiders about Girl Scout Cookies, so it’s tough to not be thinking of her whenever I bite into a Samoa. Late at night when all the world is sleeping, I stay up and think of her. Why did you send that text Chris?

I sent it, because I’m unhappy with the status-quo. I’ve known her for a year and three months, but I stopped getting to know her a few months ago. I hardly see her and whenever I do, it’s awkward. Either awkward, because I don’t know what to say or because I get distracted by her beauty so easily. She is beautiful. She is my chocolate high and now I know what it feels like to be elevated. But at the same time, I don’t know what to talk about, because I don’t trust her anymore. I don’t trust her with my dreams, I don’t trust her with my feelings, and I barely trust her to smile back if I smile at her. I don’t trust her smile, because it’s seductive; that girl is poison. And no matter how soft that butt is, I’ve GOT to listen to Johnny when he says NEVER trust a big butt and a smile.

Chris, why did you send that text? Why are you going thru all of this over a number that you never asked for? You didn’t even ask to be in this situation! And now it feels like you’re losing something that you never had and that’s arguably what hurts the most. So go on about your day. Thanks for opening up to me. Now go open that text.

Porscha’s Interlude

There’s this girl named Porscha. I use to have a thing for her and lowkey, I still do. I wanted her to be “bae” at one point. That was until…I found out about the “real” her.

It all started with a follow. Then, I followed her back. I had seen her around campus and I thought that she was cute. I guess she saw me on her TL and thought I was funny, because I KNOW that it wasn’t my looks.

Anywho, everything was pretty nice for awhile. She was subtweeting me, retweeting,  and favoriting my tweets. I was mentioning her and we were interacting. She had a pretty face and a sexy waist. In fact, I’m convinced she was the reason we moved on to Facebook, because she was too hot for MySpace.

After awhile she started speaking to me on campus, but I noticed something. She would really only speak to me when her clique was around. I’ve got to tell yal, she almost made me feel like I had some juice for awhile! One time I saw her when she was leaving the library. She was like “Heeeeey!” and one of her friends told her “Porscha! Leave that boy alone!” And when she thought that she walked far enough away, she said to her friend “What? He’s so cute!”

Another time, I saw her at the Ques pool party. I was leaving and she pulled up beside me and said, “Hey baby!” And I said “Hey!” I kept my cool though. Then she was like “Baby, when you gon text me?” And I said, “Whenever.” I told yal I KEPT MY COOL!!!!! Then the homies rolled up behind her and shouted, “Big Dude Making Big Moves!!!!!!” Next, the unexpected happened. She put the car in park, got out, and walked over to me. Here I am thinking that she was about to either hit me, muff me, put her finger on my forehead and tell me about myself, etc. But then she put her hand on my shoulder, looked me in my eyes with this baby face, and started singing “Can I come over?” That COMPLETELY caught me off guard! Especially because she could actually sing! That moment really complicated things. A couple of days later, I found out that she can cook too!

Things started to get really complicated, because in my mind I already knew who she was. You see, when I followed her back on Twitter, I saw a lot of her…back. She was always posting pics of herself with a “minimal” amount of clothing. As a matter of fact, about a year before, I saw her at Pajama Jam in a long-sleeved button-down shirt and a thong. For most of the night, she had the shirt unbuttoned. It was a nice thong though; it was cheetah print. Now if that wasn’t bad enough, it gets worse. During the very short time that I followed her on Twitter, she was ALWAYS fighting with somebody! She was always cussing! It was clear that she was full of drama and I was NOT willing to take on her and her drama. On the outside, she really was blessed. But aside from her singing and cooking, she wasn’t really wifey material.

This really saddened me, because OH, yal just don’t know how I really really wanted her! “It” was real! I was dang near walking around like “I’ll pay your rent! I’ll buy your clothes! I’ll cook your dinner too! As soon as I get home from work!”

After awhile, I figured that I’d use her for one of the things she’s good for; I followed her on Instagram. Why is that important? Because one day, she posted a pic that said, “I’m not looking for a 10. Just a loyal 7.” Yal just don’t know how bad that I wanted to be that 7! I’m a 6.7 on a good day…a really good day. But I’d like to think that I’m loyal. I’d like to think that I’m not going to purposely go out there and embarrass my future bae. In my mind, I was like “Oh GIRL! Must you limit your options??? Give this 5.4 a chance to run a 3.2 and make you the one for me! Give a big dude making big moves a chance.”

But it never happened. It never happened and I’m alright with that. In this particularly case, I’d much rather write about it than experience it. Let’s just say that I know now that we would’ve had more of a “til’ depth do us part” relationship than one that was “til’ death do us part.” In other words, the chick just wasn’t that deep.

His & Hers

Interesting thought of the day:

My dad, grandma, and I were watching a court show. We started noticing that a lot of the cases were chicks suing dudes for money (so called “loans”). My dad said essentially “That’s just how these young chicks in this new generation do. They give the dude all their money and then want it back when they break up and/or her mood done changed.” He went on to say, “Well if this be the case, women been getting away with it FOR YEARS! If these young chicks want to spend all their money to get time with a guy, THEN LET THEM!!!! For years, judges have been giving guys money away! Half of his retirement, HIS money, AND the house. Even when they go out on dates, he’s the one who’s normally paying!”

My grandma said, “I just know they wouldn’t be getting my money. They can give me THEIRS (if they want to), or I can keep my own; but they won’t be getting mine!”

What yal think? Is it right for a chick to sue a dude (for money she gave him), if they break up? Even further, is it right for a chick to be in a guy’s pocketbook, but for her not allow him into hers?