Tag Archives: #Funny

Cuffing Season Prayer: Back In The Habit

Our Father in Heaven,

Another Cuffing Season has come upon us and I thank You for continuing to bless me. Lord, if You’ll recall for a second, the last time I was here, I had a request that I brought before Your throne. I wasn’t quite sure at the time what I was asking for, but I’d like to think that I’ve grown a little and I’d like to add to my previous request (if I may).

Lord, I didn’t exactly get the answer that I wanted to my Cuffing Season Prayer last time. But I know that You told me to pray WITHOUT CEASING, so here I am.

I don’t mean to sound impatient Lord and please excuse the pun, but too often I feel like bae is somewhere out there Living Single and I’m here in A Different World. I dream about what she’ll be like and how I want her to be. Lord, let her name be Shauntay, so she can be like “Shauntay’s got a man at home!” Or maybe Alexis, so that when I drive her crazy and people ask me what I drive, I can say I drive a Lexus. Or maybe just MAYBE even Badu, so that she can have me focused on “That thing! That thing! That thiiiiing!” But please oh please just don’t let her name be Co-Co. It’s already enough people professing their love for Co-Co. Whatever her name is Lord, I humbly pray that You bless her with an apple bottom, so that she can be the apple of my eye.

But oh Lord, I know that if I get a girlfriend, that means that if I go get me a Frappucino from Starbucks, then I better bring her a Mocha Vanilla Venti Latte Expresso. But if I have a sidechick, I don’t have to bring her anything. She’ll just be happy to see me and be in my presence. IN FACT, she’ll probably ask ME if I want something to eat!

But now I’m starting to wonder if all this time I’ve been looking for arm candy when I really need some soul food? Cause OH she gon need some greens and cornbread, so that pretty brown round can be driving me wild.

Oh goodness! I’m going back to my old habits again. Let me get back on track. Lord, as You know, I’m a big dude. So I PRAY that she not come with a lot of baggage, because I already carry enough weight!

Oh Father, I feel like I’m having a relapse. It’s not that I’m afraid of committing. It’s just that girlfriends always get mad about stuff they shouldn’t be mad about, but sidechicks are usually so understanding! Girlfriends always go thru your stuff as soon as you turn your back, but you don’t have to always worry so much about sidechicks going thru your stuff! They understand that’s YOUR STUFF!

But Lord, I said earlier that I had grown and that I…I knew what I wanted. It would be nice to have a “Beyoncé” type. A diva to upgrade me and give me the green light to be crazy in love too. In fact, if you delivered that young lady to me, I’d make sure that she’d get to a point where she is so crazy in love that she ends up drunk in love, and I’ll have her waking up flawless and feeling herself. But the thing is…I don’t NEED Beyoncé! Just send someone that I can get beyond say with. Send me somebody that can match my wits! If she ask me what today is and I say something like “The day you gon learn!” She’s got to come back with something like “What you plan on teaching me?” And I can’t get past this whole baggage thing Lord, because TOO MANY of these females seem to think that just because they come with a lot of baggage means that they can carry their own weight!

Lord, when it gets right down to it, I think that what I’m asking for is…a girlfriend with a sidechick mentality. Thank You in advance! In Jesus name I pray, amen.

Fyi, I take absolutely POSITIVELY no credit whatsoever for the videos, links, or original ideology expressed within the links used (unless otherwise noted).

Cuffing Season Prayer

Lord forgive me, but sometimes I get the urge to look through your creations and find a Ms. RightForNow. Not a Mrs. Raglon; but just a Ms. RightForNow. I’ve been single for awhile now, and I just think that it might be good for me for the time being. Lord, I really just want somebody to have and to hold. Not through sickness and in health, not for better or for worst, and DEFINITELY not til death do us part. Just to have and to hold, because as you know my last relationship wasn’t til death do us part. It was more like til depth do us part, because the chick just wasn’t that deep.

Lord, I don’t want to give her the wrong impression, but we’re not talking, we’re just texting. And I hope this don’t sound like I’m flexing, but we’re not talking, we’re just texting.

It’d be nice to have somebody who is girlfriend material, but then again, I want someone who says “Thank you” when I open the door for them. Have yal ever noticed how happy a sidechick gets when the guy she is with NOT only takes her out in public, but even opens the door for her??? The look on her face is PRICELESS! She’ll go ALL OUT to make a big deal out of it and be all loud like “Ohhh you SHOULDN’T have!” The dude be beating his chest and acting like he did something as major as she made it out to be. The girls in the background be like “Uh, calm down boo boo! He just opened the door for you. They don’t have no award for that.”

This situation kind of brings me to another point. Why do guys take their sidechicks out? Well, it’s because the typical sidechick can’t cook. I know it’s some females out there that really think that tuna is the name of a type of fish. They might be efficient in fixing a sandwich or burning hot water, but other than that they really can’t cook; which is why I might need a girlfriend, cause as yal can see, I likes to eat. But then again, Lord I want somebody that I can grow with, not somebody that’ll grow complacent with me. Girlfriends do tend to get comfortable in the title and the whole being “the girlfriend” experience.

So maybe I need a sidechick. Because when you actually have a conversation with your sidechick, she’s ALWAYS supportive! Like NOTHING is a bad idea to your sidechick! She is your “Yes” person. If you want to hear somebody say “Yes”, go to your sidechick! Primarily, because she knows if yal have a fight, she’s gona get kicked off the team faster than Chris Brown in Stomp The Yard. The beauty of sidechicks is that they don’t have an opinion unless you give them one. And I don’t know about yal, but I’m not in the business of giving thoughts to thots. That’s my thought on thots. But then again, maybe that’s why I need a girlfriend. So I can have somebody to differentiate between my stupid thoughts and my well-thought out ideological theories. Then again…you don’t have to hear that phrase “We need to talk” too often from a sidechick! A sidechick don’t get caught up and feel like they have the right to tell you about yourself!

You know what God, I don’t know. Right now, do I need the upgrade like Beyoncè? Do I need the Barbie type like Nicki Minaj? Do I need the fine white girl that’s a showstopper type like Aubrey from Danity Kane? Do I need a motivation like Kelly Rowland? Do I need the cheerleader of my dreams that only seems to date the head of football teams like Keri Hilson? I just pray that you don’t send me a bad girl like Rihanna, because that is ONE DUMB BRAWD. SOMEBODY needs to let that chick know that diamonds don’t shine; they reflect! Also, I pray that she be sober. Because telling a drunk female to calm down is like trying to baptize a chicken.

I pray that she comes sooner than later. Because on the right day and if it’s the right girl, you might catch me walking around campus like “If this girl were mine….” But Lord, You know me better than I know myself. I just know that You said “Ask and it shall be given to you. Seek and ye shall find.” So I’m asking for You to send me somebody that can handle my sarcastic ways. Because I can be QUITE sarcastic. Can I get an amen? I’m asking You to send me somebody who will laugh at my jokes. Like, if I walk on stage at Poetic Justice and say “If Michael Jackson was on a rollercoaster, would you call it a thriller?” she has to be right there with me. I’m asking You for a girl like Kolbi Dixon. Somebody to push me. After I told Kolbi that I got a 43/50 on a test, she told me that I could’ve gotten a 51/50 if I would’ve applied myself. Now, I don’t know if she knew, but it really was possible for me to get a 51/50 on a 50/50 exam. But she’s a female. Females know everything, right? I’m asking you to send me a girl that’ll have me getting on the cypher at Poetic Justice spitting something like “Big Dude Making Big Moves hopping on the mic! Like T.I said, you can have what you like! Oops did I say that? I really meant phyche! Girl I’m a college student, you can ride on my bike!”

I’m asking all of this, because Lord, You know that I easily get attached and put both energy and effort into the things that I’m a part of. I’m passionate. If things go bad I might be walking around my house like “A chair is still a chair….” or even “When a good thing goes bad, it’s not the end of the world. It’s just the end of a world, that you had with one girl. And she’s the reason it happened, cause she’s overreacting. And it’s all because she don’t want things to change.” I’d rather her hit me up to say “Hey I’m alone, can you come walk me home?”, than hit me up to say “Hey I’m alone, bae pick up the phone.” Overall, I just don’t won’t a b.a.e or a d.a.b. I want somebody I can call my baby. Even further, I don’t even just want to be able to say “There goes my baby“. I want to be able to say “There goes my lady”.

But You know what Lord? I realize that Adam went to sleep, woke up, and he had a bae. So maybe I need to take a nap.

Nothing Or No Thing?

The Daily Post Challenge is “Empty“. I thought this would be a GREAT opportunity to reflect back on the time that I gave an “empty” present.

I remember the year that I gave my girl nothing for Valentine’s Day. Fellas, you HAVE to be MEMORABLE!!!!!! I guarantee she will NEVER forget me OR the day she got NOTHING for Valentine’s Day. I dressed up nothing so nice that she thought it was something. And on top of EVERYTHING, I gave her EXACTLY what she asked for.

What I did was put a jar in her apartment in a random spot that she wouldn’t notice. You know, something that she would just pass by everyday and think nothing of it. Keep that in mind. She was looking for her gift at my place one day and I told her that I already hid it over at her place.

She had been looking and looking and looking all that week, but she couldn’t find it. Finally, Valentine’s Day came around. She called me over IMMEDIATELY! Like…as soon as the clock struck 12 a.m. I went over her place, but I told her I wasn’t coming in. Then she grabbed my hand, held it with determination, and told me exactly what I was going to do. She closed the door and was IMMEDIATELY like “Where’s my gift?” I chastised her a bit and said, “You didn’t find it?” Then in a VERY demanding fashion she said, “WHERE IS IT????” I ended up saying to her “Welp…you’re going to have to wait til’ morning.” And of course, she started pouting and she turned a movie on.

Fast-Forward to the morning and she wakes me up shaking me. “Where is it? Where is it? Where is it?” I was like “It’s over there!” She jumps up QUICK and goes in the direction I pointed. “Tell me if I’m getting closer!” Eventually after a few “heat” checks, she finally got it. SHE FINALLY GOT IT!!!!!!!

Remember the jar on her counter that I discussed earlier? Well, I had it turned around so she couldn’t see the label. When she picked it up, she kicked me out. The label on the jar had “NOTHING” written in all caps on it.