Tag Archives: Poems

Cuffing Season Prayer: Back In The Habit

Our Father in Heaven,

Another Cuffing Season has come upon us and I thank You for continuing to bless me. Lord, if You’ll recall for a second, the last time I was here, I had a request that I brought before Your throne. I wasn’t quite sure at the time what I was asking for, but I’d like to think that I’ve grown a little and I’d like to add to my previous request (if I may).

Lord, I didn’t exactly get the answer that I wanted to my Cuffing Season Prayer last time. But I know that You told me to pray WITHOUT CEASING, so here I am.

I don’t mean to sound impatient Lord and please excuse the pun, but too often I feel like bae is somewhere out there Living Single and I’m here in A Different World. I dream about what she’ll be like and how I want her to be. Lord, let her name be Shauntay, so she can be like “Shauntay’s got a man at home!” Or maybe Alexis, so that when I drive her crazy and people ask me what I drive, I can say I drive a Lexus. Or maybe just MAYBE even Badu, so that she can have me focused on “That thing! That thing! That thiiiiing!” But please oh please just don’t let her name be Co-Co. It’s already enough people professing their love for Co-Co. Whatever her name is Lord, I humbly pray that You bless her with an apple bottom, so that she can be the apple of my eye.

But oh Lord, I know that if I get a girlfriend, that means that if I go get me a Frappucino from Starbucks, then I better bring her a Mocha Vanilla Venti Latte Expresso. But if I have a sidechick, I don’t have to bring her anything. She’ll just be happy to see me and be in my presence. IN FACT, she’ll probably ask ME if I want something to eat!

But now I’m starting to wonder if all this time I’ve been looking for arm candy when I really need some soul food? Cause OH she gon need some greens and cornbread, so that pretty brown round can be driving me wild.

Oh goodness! I’m going back to my old habits again. Let me get back on track. Lord, as You know, I’m a big dude. So I PRAY that she not come with a lot of baggage, because I already carry enough weight!

Oh Father, I feel like I’m having a relapse. It’s not that I’m afraid of committing. It’s just that girlfriends always get mad about stuff they shouldn’t be mad about, but sidechicks are usually so understanding! Girlfriends always go thru your stuff as soon as you turn your back, but you don’t have to always worry so much about sidechicks going thru your stuff! They understand that’s YOUR STUFF!

But Lord, I said earlier that I had grown and that I…I knew what I wanted. It would be nice to have a “Beyoncé” type. A diva to upgrade me and give me the green light to be crazy in love too. In fact, if you delivered that young lady to me, I’d make sure that she’d get to a point where she is so crazy in love that she ends up drunk in love, and I’ll have her waking up flawless and feeling herself. But the thing is…I don’t NEED Beyoncé! Just send someone that I can get beyond say with. Send me somebody that can match my wits! If she ask me what today is and I say something like “The day you gon learn!” She’s got to come back with something like “What you plan on teaching me?” And I can’t get past this whole baggage thing Lord, because TOO MANY of these females seem to think that just because they come with a lot of baggage means that they can carry their own weight!

Lord, when it gets right down to it, I think that what I’m asking for is…a girlfriend with a sidechick mentality. Thank You in advance! In Jesus name I pray, amen.

Fyi, I take absolutely POSITIVELY no credit whatsoever for the videos, links, or original ideology expressed within the links used (unless otherwise noted).

Conversations With Myself (Part 1)

Tic tic. Tic toc. Another minute runs off the clock. Tic toc. Tic tic. Another minute that your phone is waiting to be unlocked. Another minute that text is waiting to be clicked.

Chris, why oh WHY did you send that risky text? I’m SO glad you stopped holding your breath, because you were waiting for HOURS to get a response. As a matter of fact, YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOUR HOURS FOR A RESPONSE!!!!!! Don’t open it! It’s a trap!!!!!!

I received the response last night and I still haven’t opened it. I’ve been reveling in thinking about her and what it says. Is this the time where she confesses her undeniable feelings for me? Am I gona get all of her love? Is she gona be really pissed that I didn’t respond? Or is the fact that I didn’t respond not gona bother her (which leaves even more concern for me)?

What if it’s a one-word response? She’s NOTORIOUS for not answering your calls and text! Why would she choose to confess her feelings now? Are you stupid???? What if she says yal need to just call it quits? Are you ready to handle that? What if she spits in your face by blowing it over and claiming that you’re being “dra-ma-tic”? What if she’s confused, because she doesn’t feel the rift in our relationship? Why oh why oh WHY did you send that text Chris?

I sent it, because well…it was the only way I thought that I’d be in her thoughts. You see, the difference between me and her is that…it doesn’t take a tornado flying around my room in order for me to be thinking about her. She isn’t my reason for breathing, but I DO only think of her on two occasions. I think about her way more than I should and it scares me. She’s afraid of spiders, so whenever I have a run-in with one, I think of her. We used to have these insiders about Girl Scout Cookies, so it’s tough to not be thinking of her whenever I bite into a Samoa. Late at night when all the world is sleeping, I stay up and think of her. Why did you send that text Chris?

I sent it, because I’m unhappy with the status-quo. I’ve known her for a year and three months, but I stopped getting to know her a few months ago. I hardly see her and whenever I do, it’s awkward. Either awkward, because I don’t know what to say or because I get distracted by her beauty so easily. She is beautiful. She is my chocolate high and now I know what it feels like to be elevated. But at the same time, I don’t know what to talk about, because I don’t trust her anymore. I don’t trust her with my dreams, I don’t trust her with my feelings, and I barely trust her to smile back if I smile at her. I don’t trust her smile, because it’s seductive; that girl is poison. And no matter how soft that butt is, I’ve GOT to listen to Johnny when he says NEVER trust a big butt and a smile.

Chris, why did you send that text? Why are you going thru all of this over a number that you never asked for? You didn’t even ask to be in this situation! And now it feels like you’re losing something that you never had and that’s arguably what hurts the most. So go on about your day. Thanks for opening up to me. Now go open that text.

Complacency In The Friend Zone

AND LORD, give me the courage to be a steadfast…UNMOVEABLE expert of all things pertaining to the Friend Zone like SO many that came before me!

Give me the PERSISTENCE of Steve Urkel! It took him NINE SEASONS to get the one he loved. Give me the likeability of Chase Matthews! Zoey traveled across THE WOOOORLD chasing after Chase. Put the Will in me to go find Grace! The humility to be in the Friend Zone and still show my face. Give me the strength of ROSS to just be friends with Rachel!!!!!

To the God of Abraham and Isaac. To the God that allowed the Son to be humbly born in a manger. To the God that was with Daniel as he chilled with no Netflix in the Lion’s Den. To the God that saw GIIIIILLIGAAAAAN off the island!

Let the church say….

Lemonade

It’s funny, because people say that I’m not serious; but they take me seriously. I laugh so hard, because I know how sadness feels. It’s easy for most people to be sad, but I’m not most people. I have found ways to make it easy for me to laugh. And if the world laughs along with me, I don’t care. If the world doesn’t laugh along with me, then so be it. That’s yals choice.

Stuff just happens in life and I feel that stuff gets handled better if you laugh at it. Yesterday, I needed a good laugh and the Lord sent me one! I was at Kroger buying Gatorade and Powerade, because they were 69 cents. As I was putting them in my car, one of the bags busted. A few of them started to roll away, but I got them. I put them in the car and got ready to drive. As I was backing out, this guy pulls into the spot next to me and I got on my break. After that, I proceeded to back out and I heard this big POP and splatter! I found out QUICKLY that I didn’t get all of the Gatorades off the ground. Long story short, I ran over one of the Gatorades and just drove off like nothing happened.

The ONLY thing that could’ve made that better is if the guy would’ve tried to get out as that happened! OH I WAS IN TEARS!!!! At that point, I didn’t even care that that was wasted money! It was COMPLETELY worth my 69 cents!

Anywho, that’s how I conquered a situation that could’ve sent me from 0 to 100 real quick. This was my story for the day.

Porscha’s Interlude

There’s this girl named Porscha. I use to have a thing for her and lowkey, I still do. I wanted her to be “bae” at one point. That was until…I found out about the “real” her.

It all started with a follow. Then, I followed her back. I had seen her around campus and I thought that she was cute. I guess she saw me on her TL and thought I was funny, because I KNOW that it wasn’t my looks.

Anywho, everything was pretty nice for awhile. She was subtweeting me, retweeting,  and favoriting my tweets. I was mentioning her and we were interacting. She had a pretty face and a sexy waist. In fact, I’m convinced she was the reason we moved on to Facebook, because she was too hot for MySpace.

After awhile she started speaking to me on campus, but I noticed something. She would really only speak to me when her clique was around. I’ve got to tell yal, she almost made me feel like I had some juice for awhile! One time I saw her when she was leaving the library. She was like “Heeeeey!” and one of her friends told her “Porscha! Leave that boy alone!” And when she thought that she walked far enough away, she said to her friend “What? He’s so cute!”

Another time, I saw her at the Ques pool party. I was leaving and she pulled up beside me and said, “Hey baby!” And I said “Hey!” I kept my cool though. Then she was like “Baby, when you gon text me?” And I said, “Whenever.” I told yal I KEPT MY COOL!!!!! Then the homies rolled up behind her and shouted, “Big Dude Making Big Moves!!!!!!” Next, the unexpected happened. She put the car in park, got out, and walked over to me. Here I am thinking that she was about to either hit me, muff me, put her finger on my forehead and tell me about myself, etc. But then she put her hand on my shoulder, looked me in my eyes with this baby face, and started singing “Can I come over?” That COMPLETELY caught me off guard! Especially because she could actually sing! That moment really complicated things. A couple of days later, I found out that she can cook too!

Things started to get really complicated, because in my mind I already knew who she was. You see, when I followed her back on Twitter, I saw a lot of her…back. She was always posting pics of herself with a “minimal” amount of clothing. As a matter of fact, about a year before, I saw her at Pajama Jam in a long-sleeved button-down shirt and a thong. For most of the night, she had the shirt unbuttoned. It was a nice thong though; it was cheetah print. Now if that wasn’t bad enough, it gets worse. During the very short time that I followed her on Twitter, she was ALWAYS fighting with somebody! She was always cussing! It was clear that she was full of drama and I was NOT willing to take on her and her drama. On the outside, she really was blessed. But aside from her singing and cooking, she wasn’t really wifey material.

This really saddened me, because OH, yal just don’t know how I really really wanted her! “It” was real! I was dang near walking around like “I’ll pay your rent! I’ll buy your clothes! I’ll cook your dinner too! As soon as I get home from work!”

After awhile, I figured that I’d use her for one of the things she’s good for; I followed her on Instagram. Why is that important? Because one day, she posted a pic that said, “I’m not looking for a 10. Just a loyal 7.” Yal just don’t know how bad that I wanted to be that 7! I’m a 6.7 on a good day…a really good day. But I’d like to think that I’m loyal. I’d like to think that I’m not going to purposely go out there and embarrass my future bae. In my mind, I was like “Oh GIRL! Must you limit your options??? Give this 5.4 a chance to run a 3.2 and make you the one for me! Give a big dude making big moves a chance.”

But it never happened. It never happened and I’m alright with that. In this particularly case, I’d much rather write about it than experience it. Let’s just say that I know now that we would’ve had more of a “til’ depth do us part” relationship than one that was “til’ death do us part.” In other words, the chick just wasn’t that deep.