Mologue of A Mathematician

It’s funny. As an expert in the area of mathematics, I can honestly say I eat, sleep, and live a life of numbers.

I had a dream last night that I was in a math class. It was just your typical Algebra course. The only thing that wasn’t typical was that the teacher was Black. And even further, he was a Black man that couldn’t control his class. It was mainly just two students though.

In my dream, they were ruining things for everybody. Because of them, the teacher ended up giving out a pop quiz. I saw some familiar faces in my dream and they were saying, “Chris, you’re gona take this, aren’t you? You’re not even in this class!” They knew that I would throw off their curve. Ironically enough, I actually did throw off their curve. I got a 100% and the next closest grade was an 82%.

The next class I came in late, because I was trying to decide whether or not I would even go. The teacher had already passed out the graded quizzes and asked me if I was Christopher Raglon. I’m assuming that he knew that, because he only had one paper left. Then he announced two things. First, he congratulated me on getting the top score in the class. Second, he announced that I wasn’t on his roll. Then he inquired of me as to whether or not that was a mistake. I told him no. Then I requested that he allow me to have 2 minutes of his class time. After that, I made my 2-minute address to the class.

For those of you who don’t know me, I feel confident saying that you will get to soon. My name is Christopher Raglon and as your teacher stated, I got the highest score on this pop quiz. Keep in mind that I did this and today is only my second day in this class. I noticed that there are two class clowns that seem to get yal into a lot of these pop quizzes. Well, I’m willing to counteract that action. As your teacher also stated, I’m not on his roll. He probably noticed when he tried to enter my grade. This is no mistake. I’m not on his roll, because I’m not enrolled in this class. I’m a math tutor. Now, don’t worry. I’m sure that your teacher will be willing to give yal the appropriate curve for this quiz. I’m here to let yal know that help is available. I charge fair prices and if you would like to request my services, I’ll be outside for awhile, after class. I’m willing to work with anybody, but the two class clowns.

Then I wrote my Twitter name (@TooDeepNot2Deep) on the drawing board, hung my perfect score quiz on the drawing board, and walked out.

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I’m SO EXCITED and I Just Can’t Hide It!

I’ve got my eyes on food! Food’s everything that I see! I want a cup, plate, and a napkin in front of me! I can’t get over food! Just bring me something to eat! I want a cup, plate, and a napkin in front of me!

Okay. Okay. I was excited yal. I just came from the Doctor’s office and I got some blood work done. For those of you that are not familiar with getting your blood tested, that effectively means you can’t eat for a few hours (and by a few hours I mean 12 to 24 hours).

I was FAMISHED! I hadn’t eaten since about 10 last night and my appointment was at 3:30 p.m. I was irritable and impatient with people in traffic (even more than usual), my mouth would stay dry, and I was lackadaisical. I sang to my food you guys! I was in my car like “As sooooon as I get hoooome!” I’m excited! I’m excited! I’M EXCITED!!!!!

Okay, gotta go. See ya.

NOT How I Wanted To Start My Day

As I was backing out of the driveway, this cop passed me by. After I got a little way down the road, I looked in my mirror and saw the cop turning around. Did I panic, no? Fast-forward five seconds later and there were six police cars down the street. SIX!!!!! And they were all split on both sides of the street!

Now THIS made me nervous!!!!! Some of them were out of their cars and they started walking in the middle of the road as I pulled up.

What happened? Surprisingly nothing. Nothing at all. I guess every run in with the police doesn’t have to be bad. BUT sometimes you won’t have any woes to ride thru the SIX with.

Make it a great day people.

Kevin Durant Declares His Independence

What a CRAZY turn of events. For those of you that have been under a rock for the last day or so, Kevin Durant is taking his talents to…Venice Beach? Okay, not exactly Venice Beach, but you get the point. Kevin Durant couldn’t find “bae”, so he’s going to the Bay area? Alright, I’m done, but you can read more about what I’m referring to here. Some are calling Kevin Durant “weak“. Some folks are even going as far as to call Kevin Durant a “sellout“. I personally call him a winner.

Yes, Kevin Durant took what seems to be the easy way out; but can you blame him? It isn’t as if he hasn’t been in the trenches! Year after year AFTER YEAR in Oklahoma, Kevin Durant and the Thunder had SOMETHING keeping them from getting over the hump. Whether it was the inexperience of Kevin Durant, Scott Brooks, and Russell Westbrook against Gregg Popovich, Tim Duncan, and the legion. After they got over their inexperience, James Harden decided not to show up in the NBA Finals! Even further, Serge The Blocker and Kevin Durant had season ending injuries (in separate years).

In short, the Thunder have been known for winning games, but not winning championships. OKC has always seemed to have this unshakable stigma about them. They win 50 games, they consistently go to the Western Conference Finals, and (for whatever reason) they fizzle out. Brandy said it best, everybody knows that almost doesn’t count.

Personally, I thought Kevin Durant would stay in Oklahoma, but then this happened. Yep, Al Hordford signed to Boston. Boston. BOSTON. The Boston Celtics were a good young team last year (led by Isaiah Thomas) and with the addition of Al Horford, they have set themselves up to potentially be a top-5 seed in the Eastern Conference. With Kevin Durant joining Al Horford and Isaiah Thomas, the Boston Celtics would’ve given LeBron James a run for his money. But now (as I said before), Boston is still good; but not great.

Personally, I’m excited about this season. I’m happy for Kevin Durant, because this is a move that could change the “championship or bust” funk that he’s in currently. I’m a Kevin Durant fan and I like his game! The main difference I can see is that Kevin Durant won’t have to be cognizant of rushed shots or “bad” decisions (like he often would have to be in OKC with Russell Westbrook and later on Dion Waiters). His brand is about to go to the next level of Super Saiyan and as I said, I’m excited to see what the future of the NBA has for us.

Say what you will, but Kevin Durant showed us who he really is. He was loyal for an extremely long time and when he left the Oklahoma City Thunder, he left for wins (as opposed to money). He left AT LEAST $15 million on the table and for these reasons, I can respect his decision.

America The “Beautiful”

The history books and the “establishment” tell you that today is Independence Day and we celebrate “freedom”. Now, yal know that I’m more of a realists. The slaves weren’t free and they were considered to be property at that point in history. So instead of freedom, I say that we celebrate what is arguably the greatest tax evasion of all-time

It’s bittersweet when Black people say they’re proud to be “American”. Essentially, what it means is they’re proud to be “Americans” as opposed to being considered “American property” or 3/5’s of a person.

Cuffing Season Prayer: Back In The Habit

Our Father in Heaven,

Another Cuffing Season has come upon us and I thank You for continuing to bless me. Lord, if You’ll recall for a second, the last time I was here, I had a request that I brought before Your throne. I wasn’t quite sure at the time what I was asking for, but I’d like to think that I’ve grown a little and I’d like to add to my previous request (if I may).

Lord, I didn’t exactly get the answer that I wanted to my Cuffing Season Prayer last time. But I know that You told me to pray WITHOUT CEASING, so here I am.

I don’t mean to sound impatient Lord and please excuse the pun, but too often I feel like bae is somewhere out there Living Single and I’m here in A Different World. I dream about what she’ll be like and how I want her to be. Lord, let her name be Shauntay, so she can be like “Shauntay’s got a man at home!” Or maybe Alexis, so that when I drive her crazy and people ask me what I drive, I can say I drive a Lexus. Or maybe just MAYBE even Badu, so that she can have me focused on “That thing! That thing! That thiiiiing!” But please oh please just don’t let her name be Co-Co. It’s already enough people professing their love for Co-Co. Whatever her name is Lord, I humbly pray that You bless her with an apple bottom, so that she can be the apple of my eye.

But oh Lord, I know that if I get a girlfriend, that means that if I go get me a Frappucino from Starbucks, then I better bring her a Mocha Vanilla Venti Latte Expresso. But if I have a sidechick, I don’t have to bring her anything. She’ll just be happy to see me and be in my presence. IN FACT, she’ll probably ask ME if I want something to eat!

But now I’m starting to wonder if all this time I’ve been looking for arm candy when I really need some soul food? Cause OH she gon need some greens and cornbread, so that pretty brown round can be driving me wild.

Oh goodness! I’m going back to my old habits again. Let me get back on track. Lord, as You know, I’m a big dude. So I PRAY that she not come with a lot of baggage, because I already carry enough weight!

Oh Father, I feel like I’m having a relapse. It’s not that I’m afraid of committing. It’s just that girlfriends always get mad about stuff they shouldn’t be mad about, but sidechicks are usually so understanding! Girlfriends always go thru your stuff as soon as you turn your back, but you don’t have to always worry so much about sidechicks going thru your stuff! They understand that’s YOUR STUFF!

But Lord, I said earlier that I had grown and that I…I knew what I wanted. It would be nice to have a “Beyoncé” type. A diva to upgrade me and give me the green light to be crazy in love too. In fact, if you delivered that young lady to me, I’d make sure that she’d get to a point where she is so crazy in love that she ends up drunk in love, and I’ll have her waking up flawless and feeling herself. But the thing is…I don’t NEED Beyoncé! Just send someone that I can get beyond say with. Send me somebody that can match my wits! If she ask me what today is and I say something like “The day you gon learn!” She’s got to come back with something like “What you plan on teaching me?” And I can’t get past this whole baggage thing Lord, because TOO MANY of these females seem to think that just because they come with a lot of baggage means that they can carry their own weight!

Lord, when it gets right down to it, I think that what I’m asking for is…a girlfriend with a sidechick mentality. Thank You in advance! In Jesus name I pray, amen.

Fyi, I take absolutely POSITIVELY no credit whatsoever for the videos, links, or original ideology expressed within the links used (unless otherwise noted).

Cuffing Season Prayer

Lord forgive me, but sometimes I get the urge to look through your creations and find a Ms. RightForNow. Not a Mrs. Raglon; but just a Ms. RightForNow. I’ve been single for awhile now, and I just think that it might be good for me for the time being. Lord, I really just want somebody to have and to hold. Not through sickness and in health, not for better or for worst, and DEFINITELY not til death do us part. Just to have and to hold, because as you know my last relationship wasn’t til death do us part. It was more like til depth do us part, because the chick just wasn’t that deep.

Lord, I don’t want to give her the wrong impression, but we’re not talking, we’re just texting. And I hope this don’t sound like I’m flexing, but we’re not talking, we’re just texting.

It’d be nice to have somebody who is girlfriend material, but then again, I want someone who says “Thank you” when I open the door for them. Have yal ever noticed how happy a sidechick gets when the guy she is with NOT only takes her out in public, but even opens the door for her??? The look on her face is PRICELESS! She’ll go ALL OUT to make a big deal out of it and be all loud like “Ohhh you SHOULDN’T have!” The dude be beating his chest and acting like he did something as major as she made it out to be. The girls in the background be like “Uh, calm down boo boo! He just opened the door for you. They don’t have no award for that.”

This situation kind of brings me to another point. Why do guys take their sidechicks out? Well, it’s because the typical sidechick can’t cook. I know it’s some females out there that really think that tuna is the name of a type of fish. They might be efficient in fixing a sandwich or burning hot water, but other than that they really can’t cook; which is why I might need a girlfriend, cause as yal can see, I likes to eat. But then again, Lord I want somebody that I can grow with, not somebody that’ll grow complacent with me. Girlfriends do tend to get comfortable in the title and the whole being “the girlfriend” experience.

So maybe I need a sidechick. Because when you actually have a conversation with your sidechick, she’s ALWAYS supportive! Like NOTHING is a bad idea to your sidechick! She is your “Yes” person. If you want to hear somebody say “Yes”, go to your sidechick! Primarily, because she knows if yal have a fight, she’s gona get kicked off the team faster than Chris Brown in Stomp The Yard. The beauty of sidechicks is that they don’t have an opinion unless you give them one. And I don’t know about yal, but I’m not in the business of giving thoughts to thots. That’s my thought on thots. But then again, maybe that’s why I need a girlfriend. So I can have somebody to differentiate between my stupid thoughts and my well-thought out ideological theories. Then again…you don’t have to hear that phrase “We need to talk” too often from a sidechick! A sidechick don’t get caught up and feel like they have the right to tell you about yourself!

You know what God, I don’t know. Right now, do I need the upgrade like Beyoncè? Do I need the Barbie type like Nicki Minaj? Do I need the fine white girl that’s a showstopper type like Aubrey from Danity Kane? Do I need a motivation like Kelly Rowland? Do I need the cheerleader of my dreams that only seems to date the head of football teams like Keri Hilson? I just pray that you don’t send me a bad girl like Rihanna, because that is ONE DUMB BRAWD. SOMEBODY needs to let that chick know that diamonds don’t shine; they reflect! Also, I pray that she be sober. Because telling a drunk female to calm down is like trying to baptize a chicken.

I pray that she comes sooner than later. Because on the right day and if it’s the right girl, you might catch me walking around campus like “If this girl were mine….” But Lord, You know me better than I know myself. I just know that You said “Ask and it shall be given to you. Seek and ye shall find.” So I’m asking for You to send me somebody that can handle my sarcastic ways. Because I can be QUITE sarcastic. Can I get an amen? I’m asking You to send me somebody who will laugh at my jokes. Like, if I walk on stage at Poetic Justice and say “If Michael Jackson was on a rollercoaster, would you call it a thriller?” she has to be right there with me. I’m asking You for a girl like Kolbi Dixon. Somebody to push me. After I told Kolbi that I got a 43/50 on a test, she told me that I could’ve gotten a 51/50 if I would’ve applied myself. Now, I don’t know if she knew, but it really was possible for me to get a 51/50 on a 50/50 exam. But she’s a female. Females know everything, right? I’m asking you to send me a girl that’ll have me getting on the cypher at Poetic Justice spitting something like “Big Dude Making Big Moves hopping on the mic! Like T.I said, you can have what you like! Oops did I say that? I really meant phyche! Girl I’m a college student, you can ride on my bike!”

I’m asking all of this, because Lord, You know that I easily get attached and put both energy and effort into the things that I’m a part of. I’m passionate. If things go bad I might be walking around my house like “A chair is still a chair….” or even “When a good thing goes bad, it’s not the end of the world. It’s just the end of a world, that you had with one girl. And she’s the reason it happened, cause she’s overreacting. And it’s all because she don’t want things to change.” I’d rather her hit me up to say “Hey I’m alone, can you come walk me home?”, than hit me up to say “Hey I’m alone, bae pick up the phone.” Overall, I just don’t won’t a b.a.e or a d.a.b. I want somebody I can call my baby. Even further, I don’t even just want to be able to say “There goes my baby“. I want to be able to say “There goes my lady”.

But You know what Lord? I realize that Adam went to sleep, woke up, and he had a bae. So maybe I need to take a nap.

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